The decision to include children in funeral events is a personal one that should be made by each family. Many families find that having their children present at a visitation period or funeral helps them better cope with the loss. Children are often confused about what death means and may have unanswered questions that need to be addressed. Including children in funeral services also provides an opportunity for family members to share their grief and remembrances with one another, which can be very healing.
A child’s funeral can take place in any way that feels appropriate and comfortable to the family. Some families choose to hold a ceremony at the funeral home or another venue such as a church, synagogue or other faith center. Other families choose to bury their children in a cemetery or have a service at the gravesite with friends and family.
It is a good idea to familiarize children with the funeral venue and its surroundings ahead of time. Many children feel more comfortable on the day of the funeral if they know what to expect. It is also helpful to spend time explaining the significance of the funeral services, as well as any rituals that will occur.
During this very difficult time, children often need to be allowed to be children and will express their emotions in different ways. Some of these behaviors may be upsetting to others, but this is a normal part of grieving. If a child becomes disruptive during the visitation or funeral, it is a good idea to appoint a trusted and known adult as their “funeral buddy” who can take them outside or offer a distraction if needed.
When it comes to the actual funeral, it is important to give children clear and honest information about what will happen. It is helpful to explain the difference between a dead body and a spirit, so they understand that while the physical body stops working, the memories and essence of the person continue on. Many children respond well when offered the chance to actively participate in a funeral or memorial service, such as putting flowers on a casket or placing a special memento in an urn. Shyer children might prefer to sign a message board or make a card instead.
It is a good idea to discuss religious beliefs and concepts with a children’s funeral director, if possible, in order to get the most accurate and comprehensive answers to children’s questions. For example, some children may believe that God takes a loved one because He needs them and will bring them back when He is ready. This belief can lead to additional feelings of guilt if the child later realizes that what they did or said caused their parent’s death. In addition, it is important to listen to your child and respond to their questions in the way that they best understand them. If the funeral director feels that your child is not responding to their explanations, he or she will advise you on what other options might be helpful.