A child funeral is a time for family members to share memories, remember the person who died and say goodbye. It is also an opportunity for children to learn about death, the grief process and participate in a family ritual that can help them understand and cope with loss. Often, this will be the first time that a child has experienced the death of someone close to them. This is a highly emotional and stressful situation for anyone, but for children, it can be especially difficult.
The way that children understand and react to death varies widely depending on their age, developmental stage and previous exposure to loss. However, in all cases, they require honest information and open communication about the event and its implications. They need to be able to express their feelings and questions without fear of being judged or punished, and they need to be included in decisions, discussions and family commemorative rituals whenever possible.
Explain the funeral process ahead of time: where it will take place, who will be there and what they may see, hear and feel. Allow their natural curiosity to guide the conversation and answer their questions as honestly as you can. Providing them with a clear roadmap of what to expect can relieve anxiety and make them feel more prepared.
Consider appointing a trusted, known adult as your child’s funeral buddy, who can be available to take them for a walk or provide distraction during the service if needed. They can also help explain what is happening and what to expect throughout the ceremony. This allows you to focus on your own needs and emotions while knowing that your child is being cared for by a loved one they trust.
At the graveside, offer to let your child touch their sibling’s casket (if this is culturally appropriate) and share memories if they wish. If it is a closed casket, explain that their sibling is still present and that the body is not cold, in pain or afraid. This may also be an opportunity to clarify any other misconceptions they might have about death.
Afterwards, allow them to sprinkle a bit of glitter or light a candle on their sibling’s memorial. Many children find this a comforting activity and it can help them feel like they participated in the funeral.
Talk about your child’s funeral and memorial services in a positive, life-affirming way. This will help them develop healthy coping skills and maintain a more positive outlook on life in the face of serious illness, loss and death. It will also give them a framework for future conversations about their loved ones as they grow older. You can use these talks to reinforce the message that everyone has their own unique way of grieving and no one method is right or wrong. This article is based on the book “Saying Goodbye: A Child’s Guide to Funerals and Memorial Services” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.