Children have a unique relationship to grief and mourning. Involvement in funeral or memorial services provides them with a safe space to express their emotions and connect to the deceased, which can prevent long-term emotional issues caused by suppressed grief. Children can also be a great source of comfort for those who are grieving, as they can bring joy and lightheartedness to a ceremony with their presence. However, deciding whether or not to have a child funeral can be a difficult decision. The article below provides some insight into the benefits and challenges of having a child funeral, as well as some practical and symbolic suggestions for families who wish to have one.
Taking Time to Prepare
The choice to involve children in a funeral or memorial service should always be made on the basis of each family’s needs and comfort levels. If a child is going to be attending, parents should take the time to explain what they can expect from the experience in clear and age-appropriate terms. It is also important to be open and honest about the possibility of a child not wanting to attend, as this may help them feel more empowered and in control over their choices.
For young children, creating a memory box that they can keep at home can be a therapeutic way to help them process their feelings and remember the deceased. It can include photos, drawings, favorite things and stories. For older children, creating a video slideshow can be an emotionally moving and effective way to share memories with others. During the ceremony, it is often comforting for children to be given small tasks such as lighting candles or placing flowers.
When a child is being taken to see their sibling in the casket, it is helpful to talk with them beforehand about what they will find there. Be sure to note any physical changes such as scars, swelling or marks, and make it clear that touching their sibling is a personal choice that they are welcome to make. If a child decides to touch their sibling, it is important that parents model appropriate ways of touching their body (e.g. stroking hair or touching an arm or hand).
Depending on your preferences, it may be helpful to have a designated adult on hand to ensure that the children are looked after throughout the service. If a child becomes anxious or overwhelmed, they can be taken away for a short time to a private room to help them regain their composure.
In some cultures, children are involved in funeral ceremonies as a normal part of the grieving process. For example, in Mexico during the Day of the Dead celebrations and Irish wakes, children are a vital part of the mourning process by building altars and making offerings to their deceased loved ones. This can be a powerful and healing experience, helping them to maintain a connection and continue the legacy of their sibling who has passed on.