A child funeral is a time, amid profound grief, to acknowledge a life and the significance of it. The way in which it’s planned can help a family process the loss and begin to find peace. The choice to include children in a ceremony depends on the circumstances and their individual comfort levels. Some children love to be actively involved, others prefer a more private role. Whatever the child’s wishes, it’s important that their needs are considered to avoid them feeling excluded or left out.
The key to a successful ceremony is careful preparation. This includes talking to your child about what will happen, including how long the service might last and who will be there. You might want to explain what a casket or urn looks like and encourage them to ask questions. Children can feel a strong connection to their deceased sibling and may find it helpful to talk about their favourite memories with them.
It is also a good idea to explain the strange words that might be used at a service (eg ‘funeral’, ‘coffin’, ‘cemetery’, ‘crematorium’, ‘hearse’) and the importance of attending the committal when the coffin is taken away. Some children may be frightened at this point, but you can reassure them that the body can’t move or speak anymore and that it won’t hurt or cause pain.
Some families choose to include their children in the service by asking them to read a poem or share a memory of their baby. If they are old enough, they can play a musical instrument or create artwork that is included in the programme for the day. You might also want to consider letting them mark the moment of committal by pressing a ‘commitment button’ that closes curtains or slides through little doors.
It’s also possible to have a memorial service without your child present, and this can be a powerful ritual that allows them to connect with their sibling in a way that feels right for them. It’s also a way of protecting them from being overwhelmed by the emotions of the larger ceremony and giving them more space and time to grieve and remember.
Children are often more honest than adults when it comes to their feelings and you should trust their instincts about whether or not they should attend a service. However, if they do decide to attend it’s important that they are properly cared for so that they can remain engaged throughout the service. A trusted adult should be available to look after them if they get restless or need to leave for a short while, and they should be encouraged to take breaks. You might also wish to record the service, which can be viewed at a later date if they choose to do so. In our experience, children who were young when they lost their sibling often have more questions about it as they grow older and having a recording to view can help with this.