A child funeral is a way for parents and family members to say goodbye to their infant, toddler or children who have died. The choice to have a child funeral may be influenced by cultural and religious beliefs or the desire for a more intimate gathering of close family and friends. A child funeral may be a traditional service or held in a private home, garden, park, church, synagogue, funeral home or other community space. Some families choose to hold a celebration of life for their child at their favorite restaurant, park playground or other special place to honor them and reflect on the happy memories they shared together.
Explain what to expect. Children have a natural curiosity about funerals, so make sure you tell them exactly what will happen before, during and after the ceremony. Give as much detail as they need, such as how their sibling will look in the casket or urn, who will be attending and how long they will be there.
If a closed casket is chosen, be sure to explain how their sibling’s body will be laying there, fully dressed, with their arms folded and eyes closed. It is important to reassure them that their sibling cannot feel cold, pain or fear in the casket. If they see a portrait, urn on a memorial table or photo boards, let them know that those items are also a way to remember their sibling.
Some children may want to be involved in planning the funeral services or have some sort of role during them. Depending on their age and comfort level, this can include choosing a piece of music to be played or reading a poem. Shyer children may choose to light a candle or place a personal item in the casket.
The final resting place is a significant event for anyone who has lost a loved one, but it can be particularly difficult for children to cope with. Be sure to protect them from fawning sentimentality from family and friends and steer them clear of excessive touching. If a rosary is being prayed or flowers are being placed on the grave, explain that it is not unusual for people to be crying and that your child may feel sad at times too.
Whether you choose a burial or cremation, consider what will be most meaningful to your child and their unique personality. You could ask a family member or friend to read a short story book, children’s grief book, lyrics of a favorite song or lullaby or a poem. It is also a wonderful gesture to ask the person who knows your child best to share some of their favorite memories and stories about them.
Many adults didn’t go to their own funerals until they were older, and some may question whether children should be part of these serious events. It is a personal decision that each parent must make. However, if your child decides they don’t want to attend, be sure they know that it is their choice and they are not being judged.