Having a child funeral is a deeply personal choice, but one that is increasingly popular among families. It is a way to give your child a respectful goodbye and to help them say their last farewells as a family, rather than leaving it up to others. Funerals are essential family rituals, and they have the power to comfort children when they feel most lost. Choosing how to do a funeral and what to include will depend on your child’s age and temperament, as well as how much time you have to plan the ceremony.
Talk to your child about their preferences and what to expect at the service, and listen carefully to them. It’s important that they know their feelings are valid, whether they want to cry or laugh. It’s also a good idea to have a point person that they can go to with questions. For example, a family member or friend who knows your child best could be the person to answer their questions and offer support.
Explain what they can expect to happen at the funeral services and any other events related to the death. If they are going to see their sibling in a casket, describe what it will look like and that the body cannot feel cold or pain. If your child is going to be seeing their loved one’s cremated remains, explain that the ashes will be put into an urn or a special box and then sometimes they are kept in a place of honor or buried in a graveyard or cemetery.
If your child does not want to attend the funeral or other services, discuss their reasons for not wanting to. They may have misconceptions about what a funeral is, or they may be afraid of being sad. It’s important to respect their choice and have a back-up plan for them, such as staying with a family member or having the service live-streamed so they can watch it at a later time.
The main thing is to be consistent with your explanations, so that they are not surprised by anything. Explain the process of grieving and that people will often need to cry or laugh, but they can always take a break.
Encourage their participation in the funeral ceremonies by providing them with opportunities to choose songs, readings, or other elements of the ceremony. They can also sign an order of service booklet or add a photo to a memorial display.
Some children want to be part of the service by sharing memories or delivering a speech. They can be given a microphone to do so or asked to hold a memorial card with friends and family who have written messages. Other children prefer to remain outside of the ceremony and visit a graveyard or cemetery afterwards to spend time with their loved one. Some prefer to keep their urn or box of ashes at home and only come to the service for special occasions.