Children need special care and consideration during funeral services. A child’s decision to attend a funeral can depend on many factors, including their age and relationship to the deceased, and whether they feel comfortable seeing their body. Children who are not given the option to attend a funeral may experience long-term emotional problems, and can often express resentment later in life. When children are included in funeral services, it helps normalize the concept of death and supports them in expressing their grief.
Explain what to expect. If the funeral or memorial service will include an open casket, it’s important to prepare your children in advance for what they will see. If the body will be cremated, explain that a special machine turns a person’s body into something like gray sand and is placed in a very special container called an urn. It’s also important to discuss what happens to the remains of a buried body.
It’s helpful to ask significant people in your child’s life to speak or write on their behalf during the service. This can help them feel surrounded by love and support from their community, and can also provide them with more information about the deceased.
If your child is uncomfortable with seeing their sibling’s body, be sure to offer a detailed explanation. If the casket will be closed, describe how their sibling is laying fully dressed in the casket with their arms folded and their eyes closed. If an urn will be displayed, be sure to explain that the person’s body is not present, and that they cannot feel cold or pain.
Keep distractions handy. Children can become easily overwhelmed during funeral and memorial services, especially when there are a lot of adults crying. Arming them with activities that they can quietly work on, such as coloring or drawing, can give them a way to manage their emotions while providing a break from the loud environment. It’s also important to protect your children from fawning sentimentality; Aunt Bertha’s hugs and kisses can be distressing for a child, and may make them feel like they are responsible for your feelings.
Give them the option to choose a supportive “buddy.” This can be an older brother or sister, a relative or friend, or a trusted adult from church. This person can stay with them, comfort them, and help them if they start to feel overwhelmed. Having someone to talk to can help kids feel more comfortable about going to the funeral or memorial service, and will help them understand that they are allowed to change their minds about whether they want to attend at any time.
Encourage your child to participate in the funeral services in any ways they can. This can be as simple as choosing a piece of music to be played, or writing a letter or poem that will be read during the ceremony. Children are often happy to bring flowers or a personal memento that can be placed in the casket or urn.