Children are not small adults and they do not need to be excluded from family funerals. In fact, excluding them can delay their grieving and hinder their ability to cope with death and loss later in life. Excluding them can also send the message that the person who died is not important. Children want to be valued and have a say in their lives, including the funeral service.
Involving a child in a funeral service depends on the child’s age, worldview, and relationship to the deceased, and should be tailored to their comfort level. Children can be involved in planning and participating in a funeral or memorial service through selecting music for the ceremony, choosing photographs for a memorial table or photo board, writing a letter or poem to read or place in the casket or urn, or picking out an item of personal significance to be placed on the casket or urn. They can be included in a prayer or reading, on the video tribute, and can participate in a memorial service with their loved ones.
If your child will be attending a funeral or memorial service for a sibling, it is helpful to take them beforehand to the funeral home or cemetery to show them where things are and what they can expect. It is a chance for them to ask questions and become comfortable with the situation. It may be hard for parents to answer their questions, as they are likely to be deeply involved in the ritual themselves.
Explain what they will see and try to be as honest as possible. If they will be seeing their sibling in a casket, it is crucial to reassure them that the body does not feel cold, pain or fear. It is also important to talk with them about the burial process and any questions they may have.
It is a good idea to have a point person for each child at the funeral or memorial service who can attend solely to their needs. This could be a trusted family friend or even a member of the clergy. This person can be there to answer any questions, offer support and reassurance, and be available for a quiet break if necessary.
It is also a good idea to bring along some toys, books or a favourite item for the child in case they are fidgety or restless. It is a good idea to have bottled water, snacks and drinks on hand, as these can be helpful when the child gets thirsty or hungry. Finally, a bag with items to take outside for a walk, a snack or something to play with, if the weather permits, is useful. As a parent, you can also give your child permission to leave the service at any time if they are feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable. This will empower them to feel empowered and in control of their own emotions. It is also a good idea to offer a range of ways for the child to express their grief, such as art, writing or playing a game.