The choice to have children participate in funeral and memorial services varies across cultures, but it is a common practice and can be very beneficial for them. Having the opportunity to see for themselves what death looks like can help children understand that everyone grieves in their own way and that it is normal and healthy to do so. It can also make the funeral service a more meaningful experience for them.
In a study by Caroline Lloyd, children who attended funerals with their siblings said that their involvement made the ceremony more meaningful and helped them understand that death was a natural part of life. This understanding was especially helpful for older children. It may be a good idea to talk to them about what to expect at the funeral before it occurs and to encourage questions.
Funerals are often seen as a very serious, somber event but they can be an important ritual that allows us to say goodbye to the people we love. It is possible that some children may not want to attend a funeral but this is usually because of misunderstandings or fears. It is helpful to explore why they feel this way and offer ongoing support so that they can process their feelings. Younger children might find it cathartic to draw pictures or write stories, while older kids may prefer more structured activities such as lighting candles and prayer. Having ongoing family conversations about the person who died and reading books on the topic suited to their age can also be a help.
If a child decides not to attend the funeral, it is still a good idea to talk to them about the funeral and explain what will happen there. This can help them feel more comfortable with their decision and can allow you to correct any misunderstandings. It can also be helpful to assign a buddy for the child during the services who can distract them if necessary and who can answer any questions they may have.
It is also important to be able to protect children from fawning sentimentality that can make the funeral an overwhelming and stressful experience for them. This is particularly true if there are a lot of sobbing adults around them. It might be a good idea to prepare a “hush bag” of things for them to do such as puzzles, snacks and books that they can take with them.
Many children are able to express their feelings in art so having art supplies on hand can be very helpful. You could also have them help you to create a memory book or photo board that can be kept at home and is filled with photos, drawings and memories of the person who has died. Creating something together can give children a sense of control and they will be able to look back at it in the future. Children can also be involved in the funeral ceremony by planting a tree, scattering flowers or even placing their hands on the casket during the viewing.