Children often have questions and ideas about funerals and memorial services, and they might want to be involved in the planning process. They might ask if they can see their sibling’s body or what happens when someone is cremated. Explaining the details of what will happen during a visitation and at a service can help ease their anxiety.
If a child wants to attend a funeral they should be given the choice to do so. However, parents and other adults can influence the outcome of this decision by preparing the child for what will happen at the funeral or service.
This includes explaining any religious aspects of the ceremony, if there are any. It is also helpful to talk about what death means and how it is a natural part of life. Children may also wish to select how they would like to be remembered in a special way, for example, by choosing their favourite music for a service or memorial gathering, flowers for a grave or a donation to a cause important to the child.
Some children have a hard time understanding the concept of death and may need extra support from family and friends to understand what will happen during a funeral or service. It is helpful to provide them with resources and books to read that discuss grief, loss and the funeral service. Some of these books include:
The most important thing that can be done to prepare a child for a funeral is to make sure they know they will be allowed to express all their emotions, not just sadness. It is normal for children to show a variety of emotions, including laughter and even smiles. When adults model this behaviour it can help children feel free to do the same.
If you are going to be at the funeral and other services yourself it can be helpful to appoint a buddy for your child who will be there to comfort them should they become restless or anxious. It might be a friend or family member that knows the child well or a trusted neighbour. A buddy can also help explain different activities and rituals as they occur throughout the day.
For some children, even after much preparation, a funeral or memorial service can be too overwhelming to attend. They might need more information or need to change their mind at the last minute. If this is the case, it is important to let them know they can stay with a loved one, go home for a nap or go to a movie instead. Providing this option can help them feel empowered and in control, and it may prevent them from feeling guilty about missing out on an opportunity to say goodbye. It is also a good idea to discuss their reasons for not wanting to attend, so you can correct any misunderstandings. It might also be useful to talk about alternatives to a funeral, such as visiting the grave or a special place and holding ceremonies.