A funeral can be a very difficult experience for any child, even for older children. It is important to prepare them for what will happen, and if they choose to attend, make arrangements to help them manage the service in a way that feels right for them.
It is very helpful to explain what will happen before, during and after the funeral service in a way that a child can understand. Using pictures and simple language is a good start. It is also important to give them a clear idea of what will be happening at the funeral itself, what the casket will look like and how long they should expect the service to last. Children are curious and will ask lots of questions. Answer their questions honestly and directly, but do not force them to view or touch the body if they don’t want to.
Children may be able to offer ideas for readings, music and other rituals that help bring comfort. This is a very meaningful and validating thing for children to do, and they will want their opinions to be valued. Some older children may be comfortable speaking at the funeral or memorial service, and this can be a very moving experience for everyone. However, if a child becomes overwhelmed or disruptive, it is important to have a designated point person who can calm them and remove them from the setting for a break.
It can be helpful for siblings to be able to visit the casket before the funeral, either at a private viewing or a public one. This is a time for them to be able to say goodbye and to spend time together. It can be a very healing moment for parents and siblings alike, and is a good opportunity to talk openly about the death and what has happened.
For infants who are being buried, it is often helpful to have the family plan ahead of time about what they would like their baby’s casket to look like and what special items they would like to include with them at the ceremony (for example, a special teddy bear or letter). Some families may also decide to bury the baby with their favorite blanket or outfit.
Some babies are cremated, which is an increasingly popular option. If a baby will be cremated, it is important to prepare siblings for this in advance, explaining what will happen to the ashes and that they won’t be able to visit the body. It can also be helpful to describe the process of cremation and what happens during a visitation or memorial service for the urn, which is usually on display at the ceremony.
It is a good idea to plan ahead of time about how you will transport the child to and from the funeral or memorial services, especially for out-of-town guests. It can be helpful to enlist the help of a friend or other trusted adult to accompany the child, particularly if the child will be attending an out-of-town service, so they can take breaks when needed.