When a child experiences a loss, it is important to respect their comfort level and not force them to attend a funeral or memorial service. Children may feel that they do not belong at a funeral or that they were not part of the relationship with the person who died. If you insist on their attendance, give them the option to leave at any time. Make sure they know that they will not be criticised for this decision. If they do decide not to go, it is helpful to have a plan in place for them to say goodbye and to express their feelings in another way.
Explain to them, in an age-appropriate way, what the services will involve and why they are important. This includes the casket or urn, religious rituals and how people will react. It is also a good idea to discuss what happens to the body afterwards, whether it will be buried or cremated.
For example, some children are surprised to find out that when someone is cremated their body gets put into a special box and taken to a place called a crematory. This place gets very hot and the body is turned into something like gray sand. The sand is then put into a special container called an urn. Some people keep the urn to remember their loved one and others scatter the ashes in nature.
You should also explain to your child that everyone shows their emotions differently and that it is completely normal for grown-ups to cry at a funeral or memorial service. It is also helpful to prepare them for what they will see at the service: Some people might hug and kiss each other a lot, while others might show very little emotion.
If you are planning an open casket funeral, be prepared for your child to be upset at the sight of their loved one’s body or even when they see the body at a visitation. It is also a good idea to give them some reassurance about being in the casket (that it does not hurt and that they cannot fall out) or about being buried (that they will not feel any pain when they are buried).
Consider letting them write messages or draw pictures on a message board or matted picture frame; ask other guests to do the same. You could also play their favorite music and have a sing-along or serve a favourite meal. It is also a good idea to have someone (either you or a designated friend) available for them to escape to, if the service becomes too much.
It is important to continue to talk with your children after the funeral about how they are feeling and what they have seen or experienced. This is part of the grieving process and can help them to understand their feelings more fully. You can also offer ongoing support by reading books on death that are suited to their age and offering them a safe place to talk about their experiences over the next few weeks or months.