A child funeral is an important way for a family to grieve and remember their lost baby or child. Parents often feel a strong urge to protect their children from grief and death, and many people ask, “How could a child survive a funeral?” However, shielding a child from the grief process can actually be more harmful than not taking them to the service. The most important thing is to make sure the funeral is supportive and that it meets the needs of the entire family.
Before the funeral, it’s a good idea to talk with your child about what will happen. Allow her natural curiosity to guide the conversation, and give as much detail as she seems interested in hearing. She may want to know what the room will look like, who will be there and how long everyone will stay. Some families also choose to take their child on a tour of the funeral home and other sites before the actual ceremony to help familiarize them with the environment.
Explain what a casket is and the fact that it will be closed at some point during the service. If your child will be able to see their sibling in the casket, prepare them by describing their outfit (including shoes and socks). It is common for siblings to express grief in small doses and may need permission to play during the visitation or funeral services. It is also normal for outward signs of grief to come and go.
Consider having the child’s closest friends or relatives read a personal tribute or poem at the service. Having the child’s favorite music played during the funeral can be comforting, as well. Often, the funeral home will be able to provide a tape or CD of the service so that you can watch and listen at a later time with your child.
Many parents find that allowing their child to participate in activities at the funeral helps them open up about their feelings. For example, they might want their child to pass out programs before the service or be in charge of collecting flowers at the gravesite. Many children find comfort in having a “funeral buddy,” a friend who will support them and keep them safe while they attend the services.
If your child decides to attend the funeral, be sure to let them know that they are welcome to change their mind at any time. If they do not wish to be present, it is a good idea to arrange for someone to care for them during the service and to spend the night with a close relative or friend.
Depending on your financial situation, you may need to seek outside funding for the funeral costs. The TEARS Foundation offers financial assistance for bereaved parents that have suffered the loss of their infant. We can help you pay for a burial or cremation, or even just the basic funeral expenses.