A child funeral is an important event in a family’s journey through grief. The funeral allows a child to participate in the same mourning process as their parents and siblings. This helps children grasp the concept that death is final, preventing long-term emotional problems. A funeral also provides an opportunity for the child to say goodbye in a way that is meaningful to them.
If a child does not want to attend the funeral, ask them what they would like to do instead. Often, they will suggest something simple, such as telling a story or making a drawing. They may even want to light a candle or form a guard of honor, or they might prefer an alternative ceremony that celebrates the life of the deceased. For example, you could plant a tree, put up a plaque at their favorite spot or share a bedtime story together.
The most difficult part of a funeral for a child is seeing their sibling in the casket. If you choose to have a closed casket, prepare your child beforehand by explaining that their sibling is laying fully dressed and in a sleeping position with their arms folded and their eyes closed. It is also important to emphasize that their sibling cannot feel cold, pain or fear. If they do ask to touch their sibling, make sure to gently allow them.
Explain that their sibling’s body may have marks or scars on it and that these are not a cause for concern. Reassure them that it is okay to stroke their hair or arm and that the body will be cold to the touch. If you decide to have an open casket, be prepared for your child to express curiosity about their sibling’s appearance.
During the service, it is helpful for children to know that they can take breaks as needed. A point person should be designated to care for the child during this time, and they should be prepared with activities such as coloring books, a deck of playing cards or a journal. Children should not be forced to participate in the funeral service if they are not ready, and it is a good idea to record the proceedings so that your child can watch them at a later date, if desired.
It is normal for children to squirm and fidget at times during the service. This is especially true of infants and small children. To help them feel comfortable, you might consider setting up a kids’ room with a television and DVD player. This room can also serve as a space for family and friends to write messages on message boards or matted picture frames. You might also choose to have family members or close friends tell a special story about your child or read a poem they have written. A special song or a sing-along of their favorite songs can be comforting to both young and older children. You might also consider having a memorial video or slideshow during the service to capture your child’s special personality.