A child funeral is a time for family and friends to celebrate the life of an infant or young child. It is also an opportunity to help children understand death and to say goodbye in a meaningful way. Although it may be difficult, allowing children to attend the funeral and viewing is usually best for everyone.
As with adults, children process grief in different ways. Toddlers may not comprehend the permanence of death, and teens might feel guilty for wanting to view a body that is no longer alive. Regardless of a child’s age or developmental stage, open communication is important to assess whether a child is ready for a funeral and viewing.
Discuss with the child in advance what the visitation and funeral will be like, including how long they might need to stay. Be sure to explain that it is okay to see the deceased person and express emotions, including crying. Then, if your child is comfortable, explain that the body will be buried or cremated and what will happen to it afterward. Reassure them that because the deceased person is no longer living, they will not feel pain or anything during a cremation.
It is a good idea to give your child the option of being actively involved in the service, such as choosing music or writing something for their sibling to be included in the coffin. This can ease anxiety and make them feel special and connected. Some children wish to place a special teddy bear or other toy in their sibling’s casket, while others may choose to write a letter or poem. A favorite photo can be added to the front of the casket as well.
If a child does not want to participate, offer alternatives such as staying with a friend or relative, attending the funeral via video or being present for the burial. If they decide to attend, let them know that they are welcome to step out for a break at any time. Be sure to appoint someone to take care of them and provide them with comfort if they become overwhelmed during the ceremony.
After the ceremony, make sure your child has a safe space to talk about their feelings, memories and concerns. Encourage them to ask questions and share their thoughts, and remember that it is okay for them to grieve in a way that is unique to them. Providing ongoing support may include regular check-ins, providing books or websites about grief and offering resources for professional counseling.
Children who did not attend the funeral may wish to have a memorial service for their sibling at a later date. This is a great way to re-engage with the memory of their baby brother or sister and may help them come to terms with the loss over time. It is also a way to share their experiences with older siblings who did attend the funeral. A memorial service can be held at a home, a favorite park or another special place. A slideshow of photos, favorite quotes or songs can be played and guests may be invited to bring flowers or mementos.