When a child is involved, the funeral can be a very emotional time. It is important to discuss this event with your children and understand that each child will react differently. Children often ask questions about death and funerals which can be answered with honesty. It is also important to know that children can change their minds and are not being criticised if they choose not to attend the service.
If your child chooses to go, it is a good idea to give them a sense of what will happen before the service – explaining that everyone will be in a room together with the body and a casket, who will be there, how long the service will last, etc. It can help to have someone sit with them who can answer their questions and provide support if needed.
It is also a good idea to give your child some choice in the funeral proceedings – for example, they may want to write a note, read a poem, sing or play an instrument. This can be a positive way for them to express their feelings and keep the memory of their sibling alive.
For older children, it is a good idea to have them share their thoughts and memories with other family members at the funeral service. It can be a very moving and healing experience for them and it will help them to feel that they are not alone in their grief.
Children can be quite fidgety and sometimes bored at funerals so having a book, favourite toy or quiet game can help to keep them occupied. It is also a good idea to have a snack and water on hand just in case. If your child is not feeling well, it is a good idea to take them outside or into a quiet space for a break.
Most funerals include a wake or visitation, a ceremony and then either a burial or cremation. Explaining to your child that their sibling will not be present at the ceremony is a good idea, as it will help prepare them for what they are about to witness. You can also explain that if they do go up to the casket, their sibling will not be able to see them because the lid will be closed.
Some children find it difficult to understand why a person’s body is put in a box or urn. It is helpful to explain that this is because the body can no longer breathe on its own and so it needs to be put in a box or urn so it will not decay. It is also a good idea to talk to your child about what happens to the body after it has been buried or cremated and re-assure them that their sibling cannot ‘feel’ anything anymore.
During the funeral, try to steer your children clear of fawning sentimentality – Aunt Bertha’s sobbing and hugging can make an already traumatic experience very overwhelming for a child. You can encourage them to interact with their loved ones in a more respectful way by encouraging hand shakes or a brief hug.