A funeral is a time to say goodbye to someone you love. Children are no exception. Although they may not understand why their loved one died, it is important that they be included in the funeral process. This can help them come to terms with their loss and begin the journey through grief in a healthy way.
Typically, children do not know what to expect from a funeral or memorial service and are naturally curious about the event. Talking with them before the service and answering their questions will help prepare them. It is also a good idea to create opportunities for them to participate in the service, if they are comfortable doing so. Many families find it helpful to ask them to select photographs for a collage board, write messages on a memorial card, or place an item in the casket (i.e. a favorite toy, piece of clothing).
Involving kids in the planning can be very comforting and provide them with a sense of control over what is happening. Some families decide to have the service in a religious venue, while others may choose a more casual setting like a backyard barbecue, family restaurant, or the beach.
If your child is an only child, allowing them to view their sibling’s body before the service can be very healing. It is important to explain that the body will be lying in a casket and that it is not open yet. Some children will be frightened by the sight of their sibling’s body, while others may not even notice it. Reassure them that their sibling is no longer cold or in pain and tell them to gently touch or kiss the body.
Some children may worry that they will die too or that something they did caused their loved one to die. It is important to reassure them that they are safe and that everyone in the family loves them very much. It is also a good idea to re-affirm their role in the family and that their job is to protect and care for their siblings.
Younger children can be helped by having a special children’s memorial service where they can share their memories of the deceased and say goodbye. They can also be included in the main service by having them sing a song, read a poem, or share a favorite memory of their sibling.
During the funeral or memorial services, consider using music that reflects your child’s personality and life. You could play their favorite song, a favorite sports team anthem or a lullaby. In addition, it is a good idea to have a point person designated for kids who need a break from the service or who may get overwhelmed by emotions. They can take them for a walk or offer distractions such as coloring sheets and crayons or snacks. This will allow the rest of the family and guests to focus on saying their final farewells.