Many parents wonder if a child funeral is right for their family. A lot depends on the child’s age, their relationship with the deceased and their past experience with death and grief. The most important thing is that the funeral service is a personal and special event for the whole family, including children.
If you decide to hold a funeral for your child, there are some things you can do to help make the day as pleasant as possible. Plan ahead, allowing enough time to talk with the funeral home about what you need. Then, you can feel confident that you are making the best decision for your family.
It’s helpful to give children a general idea of what will happen at the funeral service in advance, using their natural curiosity and questions as a guide. Explain what the room will look like (including the casket, if there will be one), who will be there and how long the service will last. You can also let them know that it’s okay to cry and that it’s normal for adults to do so as well.
If the child will be able to view their deceased sibling, it is a good idea to discuss the process with them in advance, letting them know that it’s a choice and that touching the body is up to them (never force them). If they choose not to, you can still talk to them about their loved one’s life and let them know that they will always be remembered.
During the funeral service, try to keep distractions to a minimum and consider appointing someone the children can go to for a break if needed. You can ask a trusted friend or family member to be their “funeral buddy,” someone they know and trust, who can spend time with them outside the services and answer any questions they may have.
After the service, you can have a memorial or celebration at the graveside or another meaningful space. This is a time to share stories, memories and photos of your child with family and friends. It’s also a chance to celebrate their unique life and personality with a theme or decor that reflects who they were. For example, you might display photos in a photo gallery or on a video screen; have guests sign a message board or matted picture frame; pass around a microphone to encourage people to share their own stories and memories; hold a sing-along of their favorite music; or serve their favorite food.
Be sure to record or take photos at the funeral or memorial service so you can remember your child for years to come. And, don’t forget to care for yourself. Grief is draining and can leave you feeling worn out. Eat well, get plenty of rest and be patient with yourself. It’s a hard thing to do, but it is so important. As your child grows older, they will have more questions about their sibling and the funeral service.