When your child passes away, you must decide whether or not to hold a funeral service for them. You will also need to plan what the ceremony will entail. Often the decision comes down to how much you want to include your children and what feels right for your family. Regardless of your choice, it is important to make sure your children are supported during the event. Children can be frightened by what they don’t know and this is why it is important to discuss the process with them ahead of time. Providing information such as where it will take place, who they will see and how long the events will last can help them feel more prepared.
Involving your children in the funeral and memorialization process can help them connect to their deceased sibling. It can also help you and them find comfort and closure. Depending on your child’s age, this may involve choosing music, writing a letter or poem, bringing flowers, blowing bubbles, handing out orders of service and more. Older brothers and sisters can even choose to speak or write a piece that is read out loud for the ceremony attendees. If your children have a difficult time viewing their loved one’s body, it is often comforting to allow them to view the body at home for a time before the service or memorialization. Many hospitals, hospices and funeral homes can provide a special cold mattress or cot (called a cuddle cot) to keep your baby or child’s body cool so you can spend more time with them.
During the viewing and funeral or memorial service, it can be helpful to assign your children a supportive buddy to keep them company. This can be a friend or relative they trust, the child’s teacher or even a member of the funeral home staff. The buddy can answer their questions, encourage them to express their feelings and be available to take them outside or into a hallway if the experience becomes too much. It is also helpful to explain that other people will grieve in different ways and it’s ok for them to cry or laugh at times.
Children will likely be more scared by what they don’t understand than the actual experience. Explaining what to expect at the funeral can help them feel more prepared. Talk about the order of events, what to expect when visiting the funeral home and where the ceremony will take place. Answer their questions as honestly and thoroughly as possible but remember they may change their minds at any point.
It is important to give your children a choice as to whether they wish to attend a funeral or not. Forcing them to go is not helpful and can lead to resentment in the future. If your children are unsure, you can always offer reassurance that they can always say goodbye and never be judged for their decision. You can also explain that even if they don’t attend a funeral they can still say good-bye to their brother or sister in their own way at home.