When a child dies, parents need a way to say goodbye and honor the life that was lived. A child funeral provides a time for family and friends to mourn together in a ritual that is unique and special for a baby or small child. The child’s age, temperament and attention span should guide the planning and execution of this event.
A child funeral can be as simple or complex as the family prefers. It can involve a religious ceremony led by the funeral director or an officiant or it can be completely secular and not affiliated with any faith at all. It can take place at the funeral home or church or in a private setting such as the home of a relative. It can include a memorial service or a graveside ceremony at the cemetery.
If the family is having a viewing and open casket at a funeral home or other location, it’s important to explain what will happen before and during that portion of the ceremony. Use the child’s natural curiosity as a guide and share with them as much detail as they seem interested in hearing. This will help them to feel more prepared and safe.
Some children may want to view their sibling’s body. If so, it’s important to reassure them that their sibling will not be in pain or cold and that it is ok for them to touch their brother or sister (with close adult supervision). If your child is having the body cremated instead of buried, you can still talk with them about this in advance and answer any questions they might have. It’s also helpful to let them know that the ashes will be returned to them in a box and they can choose whether or not to display them or keep them at home.
It’s also a good idea to plan for the child to participate in some way during the funeral services or memorialization. For example, siblings often like to read a poem or prayer at a service or write a letter to their baby brother or sister. You can arrange to have these included in the service or in a book that is available afterward. Other kids love to scatter flower petals or balloons with messages attached at the graveside, again with close adult supervision.
Some parents do not want their child to attend a funeral because they feel that the heightened emotions and environment will be too difficult for them. This is a very personal decision and should be made by the parents. However, if a parent’s parental intuition tells them that their child will not be able to handle the funeral or any of its related events, they should follow their instincts.