When your baby dies, the decisions you make are some of the hardest you will ever have to make. Whether you choose to bury or cremate your child, a funeral ceremony provides a real opportunity for mourners of all ages to say goodbye and begin to find healing. While the idea of a child funeral might feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that thousands of parents before you have successfully navigated this difficult journey and there are many people willing to support you along the way.
Assessing your children’s readiness to attend a funeral is a very personal decision. Children understand death differently depending on age and a funeral is often the first time they will have witnessed an event like this. Taking the time to explain what will happen in simple terms and allowing them to take a break if they need it is crucial. Encouraging siblings to participate in a ceremony is also something that can help with their grief and it may be beneficial to ask them to present a tribute to their sibling, but allowing them to do this on their own terms.
If your children are attending a service where the casket will be on display it is important to prepare them ahead of time. Using pictures and stories from their childhood can help them understand what they will see and ensure they are not overly anxious. It is also helpful to reassure them that their sibling cannot see them or hear them at the funeral and that they will be in a safe place. If you are choosing a closed casket, it is also important to prepare your children for this in the same way by explaining that their sibling will be fully dressed, but not in any pain or fear and that they cannot feel cold.
Choosing music and readings that were special to your child can provide a meaningful connection during the service. Including personal items such as favorite toys or a teddy bear can help with this as well. Allowing family members and close friends to offer eulogies and share memories is another way to create a meaningful ceremony.
The rites of committal are the final step in your baby’s ceremony and you can ask that their coffin be hidden from view or removed completely from the room at this point. You can then choose to have the ashes buried at the crematorium, scattered in their garden of rest or collected and taken home.
Whether you plan to have your child buried or cremated it is also important to think about what your family will do with their ashes after the service. There are many options available to you and you should do what feels right for your family. It is also worth considering how you will talk to your children about the ashes once they are back in your possession. This will probably require some more detailed explanation and discussion, but having this conversation in advance can help them better understand what has happened.