Many parents feel conflicted about whether or not their children should attend a funeral service. They worry that they may be too young and that it will traumatize them or their other children. They also fear what others might think about their kids at a funeral.
It is important to remember that every child is different and needs to be treated individually. Including children in funeral rituals helps them to begin the grieving process and can be very healing for them. It can help them find a way to connect with their loved ones and have a sense of belonging.
If you decide to include your children in a funeral or memorial service, it is best to discuss what will happen beforehand. Especially if the body will be viewed, it is important to explain what a casket is and that the person in the casket is no longer alive. Also be prepared for the fact that some kids may want to go up and touch or kiss the body or the urn. It is okay if they do this, but make sure they are comfortable and know that it is a choice.
Depending on your family’s preference, you can ask an adult to be present to look after the children during the service. Having a trusted relative, friend or sibling to take care of them while you lead the service can help your children feel supported and understood. It is also helpful to let the children know that it is okay to cry, laugh or be quiet during the ceremony.
You can also consider letting the children choose their own songs to sing or have someone read their special words during the ceremony. It is important to remember that you should choose songs that reflect the life of your child, not just popular ones. You might also like to include a poem, prayer or lullaby.
Another option is to ask your child if they would like to write or draw a letter or card to be placed in the casket or in a book of remembrance. They might also like to create their own keepsake box, decorate a memorial stone or plant flowers in the garden of rest or at home. Older brothers and sisters might like to give a speech or sing during the service.
It is always good to keep in mind that 40% of adults who were not allowed to choose to attend funerals as kids experienced resentment later on. It is crucial to allow your kids to have a say in their own funerals and to support them right up to the moment of their passing. If they do not want to attend a funeral, let them know they are welcome to come but it is best to offer alternative ways for them to say goodbye.