When someone close to a child dies, parents are often torn between whether their child should attend the funeral. If they decide to take the child, it is helpful to prepare them in advance for what will happen. A child funeral can be as simple or complex as the family wishes, but it is important to consider the impact on a child and what they will need in order to cope with the situation.
It is useful to give children a roadmap ahead of time about what they can expect at the funeral: how long it will last, where it will be held, what people or things they may see there and even the clothes that are being worn. This will help them feel less fearful about what is going to happen and can also help to calm their anxieties if they are feeling restless or uncomfortable.
Children can often be very frightened of the idea that they will die too, so it is a good idea to help them understand that it is only human beings who die and that it happens for all sorts of reasons. Having an open and honest discussion with your child about the reality of death at a time when they are in a very open and receptive mood can help them to deal with any difficult questions they might have.
If the child is a sibling of the person who has died, it can be especially helpful to prepare them in advance for what they will see if their sibling’s body is on display, either at a visitation or at the funeral itself. If the casket will be closed, explaining that their sibling is laying in there fully dressed (including shoes) with their arms folded and their eyes closed can be comforting to them. If the body will be cremated, reassuring them that their sibling’s ashes won’t be there is important too.
A child may be a bit frightened of seeing the expressions of grief that they will see from other people at the funeral. It is a good idea to remind them that everyone feels differently and that it is perfectly normal for grown-ups to be sad, angry or upset.
Many children can find a funeral service quite upsetting, so it is important to allow them some space and time to be alone after the ceremony. This can help them to process the event and come to terms with it more slowly. It can also be helpful to have some quiet toys or books to keep them occupied and distracted if they become restless and fidgety.
Some children who do not attend the funeral will later regret it, so it is a good idea to make the decision carefully. It is particularly important to be supportive of a child who decides not to attend the funeral, regardless of whether they later choose to come or not.