When a child dies, many parents are faced with the difficult decision of whether or not to have a funeral service. If they do decide to have a service, it is important to consider how the child will be involved in the proceedings.
Children need to be allowed to grieve at their own pace and may not show obvious signs of sadness during a service. They will need your attention and love, but it is equally important to respect their right to be children. It is not uncommon for them to want to roughhouse with cousins during a visitation or play video games after the funeral. Unless their behavior is disturbing other mourners, it should be allowed and not punished.
Depending on their age, it might be appropriate to let the child know what they can expect from the funeral or memorial service. This might include explaining that a lot of people will be wearing darker clothes and that their sibling’s body will be in a casket. You might also choose to explain that their sibling’s body will look different after death and note any marks, scars or swelling. Some families even decide to give their child a choice of touching their sibling’s body, if they wish.
You can also prepare them for the event by letting them know where the funeral will be held and when. This will help alleviate some of the anxiety that may arise when they get there.
It is often helpful to give children a point person who they can go to for a break if needed during the service. This can be another family member, a friend or a trusted professional such as a grief counselor. Having someone to talk to, or just be there for them can make the difference between them feeling overwhelmed and being able to cope.
If a child has decided that they will not attend the funeral or memorial service, it is important to be supportive of their decision. Trying to force them to go will only increase their stress and is likely to backfire.
It might be a good idea to ask them what kind of memorial service they would like – for example, some families may choose to have a service at their home rather than a religious venue. Others might opt for a private graveside ceremony or a simple memorial at a place that was special to their child such as a park or on the beach.
When arranging a child’s funeral, it can be helpful to have the cost of the services covered by a loved one or by a grant or fund. This can relieve some of the financial pressure that might have been placed on a grieving parent and allow them to focus more on their grief. It is also important to remember that a child’s funeral will not be cheap, so it is not uncommon for parents to struggle financially at this time. The Money Advice Service has more information about financial assistance for funerals and cremations.