When a child passes away, family members face unique challenges. It is especially important to plan a funeral or memorial service that is respectful and suitable for children. This may include a short ceremony or a full service comparable to one for an adult. Parents may wish to involve the surviving sibling or other family members in the process to provide comfort and support.
Providing a clear roadmap ahead of time will help children understand what to expect from the ceremony. This will help them feel empowered and confident throughout the day, and may reduce their anxiety about what to expect from others. Explain that people will grieve differently and show different expressions. It is ok to cry or laugh and that it’s all part of the process.
The type of service you choose will also influence how children react. For example, if you want your child to be present for the casket opening, it is helpful to explain that their loved one will be laying in a closed casket fully dressed (including shoes) with their arms folded and their eyes closed. It’s also a good idea to describe any other memorial items you will have on display such as a portrait, an urn on a memorial table, photo boards, etc.
A memorial service or funeral can be very emotional for adults, and for young children it can be extremely distressing. It is a good idea to designate a trusted friend or family member as your child’s “funeral buddy” to stay with them throughout the ceremony and help answer their questions. This will allow you to take a break when needed and ensure that your child is in a safe and supportive environment.
You can also enlist the help of a child’s favorite teacher or therapist to assist in explaining the funeral process to them. These professionals can also help with pre-service planning and preparation. It is often useful to invite children to the funeral home or other sites before the service to familiarize them with them, if they are comfortable doing so.
It is common for children to have questions about what they will see at a funeral. You can answer their questions as honestly and thoroughly as you can, taking into consideration your child’s age and stage in development. Many children are upset by the sight of their deceased sibling’s body and may be confused by people laughing or smiling at them. Explain that this doesn’t mean they are happy about the death, but that they are simply responding to their natural shock and sadness at seeing such a huge and life-changing event.
Some families choose to have special mementos or momentsos placed in the casket with their loved one. You can help your child express their feelings and thoughts by inviting them to write a letter or poem, draw a picture, or place a favourite toy or blanket in the casket with their brother or sister. These things will be treasured forever.