Children are not always comfortable with funerals and they may express that they want to skip the service or even refuse to go at all. This is completely normal and understandable as every child is different and will react differently to death. The important thing is that they are not made to feel guilty if they choose not to attend, they should be allowed to make their own choices. If they do decide to attend it is best to explain what will happen at the service and to prepare them for what to expect. It is also helpful to record the service so that they can watch it in the future if they wish.
It is best to have someone “buddy” with the child to help them during the service and reassure them if they are having trouble. Children often need time to process and it may be difficult for them to sit still for long periods of time, especially if they are not used to attending services. They may be very curious about what is happening and have questions that need to be answered. Having a buddy with them will allow them to ask questions without feeling pressured to respond.
There are a number of ways that you can personalize the service to your child’s liking, such as having them wear their favourite color or have dozens of balloons in that colour. A themed service can make the experience seem less formal and more like a birthday party or celebration of life, something that is comforting to many young children.
You can also have the casket or urn personalised with photographs, a personal message and other special touches. This is often a good idea as it gives the deceased a more intimate and familiar look to those who attended the service. Many families also have the children’s handprints or footprints engraved on their headstone, this can be very comforting to the family in the future as they can always remember their baby or child. Other items that can be incorporated into a service include flowers (especially teddy bears and other toys), a special song, a guest speaker, a memory table or a video tribute.
A memorial or service can be a very emotional event, for the parents and other family members, as well as the guests. For this reason it is often more appropriate to have a small memorial service at home or with close friends rather than a larger public one. This way you can ensure that your children are not overwhelmed by the occasion and can be surrounded by loved ones who care about them.
If you are unsure about whether or not to hold a service for your child, we are always here to offer guidance and support. You may also find it comforting to know that others have held similar ceremonies for their children in the past. We have found that having a ceremony can bring closure and help with the grieving process, even for very young children.