Children need honest, clear and gentle answers to their questions about what will happen at a funeral. They also need to be given time and space to express their emotions. It’s important to remember that grieving is a process and it will take time for all members of the family.
Talk about what will happen before, during and after the ceremony with your child. Let their natural curiosity guide your discussion and be sure to include the order of events, who will be there and how long they’ll spend at each event.
Explain what a casket is and if it will be open, show them what it looks like. If your child’s loved one will be cremated, share with them what it means and that they will never see their body again. Explain that people will show a variety of emotions at the funeral, from crying to laughing and that it’s ok to do both.
It’s helpful to appoint a trusted adult as your child’s funeral support buddy, someone they can go to with their questions and concerns. Studies show that about 80% of kids feel comfort and closure when they have someone to talk with who understands their feelings.
When your child is ready, let them participate in some of the rituals that are part of a funeral. This can be anything from writing a letter or story to their brother or sister, picking out photos for a photo collage board or placing something special in the coffin.
Children can also be included in the funeral ceremony itself by being a pall bearer or signing a guest book. You may choose to have a tribute reading at the service, and many families find it helpful for other family members or close friends to make remarks.
Your child’s sibling(s) will also need to be prepared for the funeral if they are attending and may need a safe space or activity to go to during the service. It’s helpful to have a point person to care for them, someone they trust, to take them for breaks or provide distraction and playfulness when needed.
Arranging a funeral for your baby or infant is a heartbreaking and emotional task. If you need financial help to cover the costs, The Children’s Funeral Fund can provide assistance in England and Wales. In Scotland this page provides information on how to apply and in Northern Ireland there is a similar scheme here. You can also crowdfund to help pay for your funeral expenses, and there are a number of crowdfunding websites available. You can also apply to the national Lottery if you live in England, or check the rules for your country. Many people are very generous in their support of families who have lost a child, and often the contributions from others will cover all or most of the funeral costs. This is very comforting for parents who might otherwise be struggling financially.