A child funeral is an opportunity for family and friends to come together, celebrate a life and share photos and memories. It can be held in a church, mosque or other place of worship or at a community venue or at home. It can be led by a funeral director, a minister or rabbi, an independent celebrant or by the parents themselves.
Often children are welcomed at funeral services, and many families find that including children can be a healing and uplifting experience. However, some children may feel uncomfortable and do not want to attend the service. This is normal and understandable. Involving children in a funeral can help them process their grief and connect with the deceased.
If a child does not wish to attend a funeral, it is important that the parents respect their wishes. Children do not have to grieve in the same way as adults and they may need a break from the service. Involving children in a ceremony can also give them a sense of ownership and responsibility for the event.
Educate the children before the funeral and prepare them for what they will experience. Whether or not the body will be present, talk to them about what a casket looks like and answer any questions they might have. If you decide to use a closed casket, describe how their sibling will be laying inside the casket, fully dressed, with their arms folded and their eyes closed. If you decide to have a open casket, explain the same things but if they are older, you could invite them to come and look in the casket themselves, if they are comfortable doing so.
It is also possible to have a graveside memorial service for a baby or child, rather than a funeral service at the funeral home. This can be very comforting for young children and allows them to visit the cemetery in a familiar environment. Involve them in the service by allowing them to write messages on message boards or matted picture frames, have people throw flower petals on their head or bury them at the graveside, ask them to sing or play music on an instrument they know and encourage children to light candles or place flowers.
Consider a thematic color for the service, such as your baby’s favorite color or the colors of their team or a character they love. It can instantly transform the ceremony into something that feels more personal and unique to them.
If you are concerned about the cost of a funeral or burial for your baby, there is financial assistance available to help you. The Tears Foundation offers support for funeral homes and burial plots directly and the Funeral Fund for England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland can pay towards funeral costs for children up to the age of 18. If your child was stillborn or born after 24 weeks gestation, contact your local bereavement specialist for further information about this.