When a child dies, planning their funeral can be difficult and emotionally draining. While it may seem like a task that can’t be completed, it is important to make these decisions in order to move forward and find closure.
It is recommended to talk to a bereavement specialist about how best to discuss this with your children. You will also need to decide whether your child is going to be buried or cremated and the type of service you would like to have.
Explaining the funeral to your children is a vitally important part of helping them understand what will happen and determining if they are ready to attend. The key is to be honest and break it down into small chunks that they can manage.
Talking about where the funeral events will be held, who they are likely to see and what they will do can help children feel prepared and comfortable. You may also wish to arrange for a point person to look after your child at the ceremony and take them for a walk or offer a quiet activity if they need a break from what will be a very upsetting event.
If your child is going to be able to view their deceased sibling at the visitation or at the funeral, it can be comforting for them to know in advance that the body will be fully dressed and that the casket isn’t scary. Explaining that the body will be cool to the touch and that the body won’t hurt them can be helpful too.
It is also a good idea to let children know that they will see people showing a wide variety of emotions at the funeral, including tears and laughter. Reassure them that their feelings matter and that it’s ok to cry, even if the rest of the audience are laughing.
Inviting your child to light candles, place flowers or engage in other ceremonial activities at the funeral can be a great way to help them feel included. If they are old enough you may want to allow them to read a poem or short piece, sing a song or say a prayer during the service.
After the ceremony you can encourage your child to keep a memory box at home and fill it with photos, things that remind them of their sibling, favourite memories and stories. You may also wish to involve them in other memorial ceremonies such as planting a tree, placing a stone or releasing a flower into the sea or river.
The decision of whether to let your child touch their deceased sibling or not can be a very personal one and it is best to trust the decision they make. However, if they are young enough and if they have been prepared ahead of time, many children do enjoy this opportunity to say goodbye to their loved one.