Children have unique needs when someone they love dies. They want their opinions to be valued and they don’t like to be left out of things. That includes funerals. When planning a child funeral, ensuring that children have as much information as possible up front can make the difference between them feeling comfortable and being anxious or upset at the service. Whether the funeral is for an infant, toddler or a child of any age, there are many ways to create a meaningful and healing ceremony.
The first thing to do is set aside a person to be in charge of communication with the funeral home, guests and anyone else who may have questions about what’s going to happen. This could be a family member, friend or the funeral director. It’s important for the person in this role to be able to give clear, consistent and age-appropriate answers to help children understand what will happen and why.
Explain the setting to a child in advance, including somber clothing and a quiet atmosphere. Also, if the body will be on display or in an open casket, let them know. If the body is to be cremated, tell them what it means and that their sibling’s ashes will be kept in an urn or another special container.
A headstone is a lasting memorial that can be personalized to honor a deceased child and can include a photo, birth and death dates, a special verse or message, and an image or graphic. It is a place for a family to share their memories, keep them close and find comfort. Headstones can take up to a few months to design and are typically placed a few weeks after a service.
Some children may feel responsible for the death of their brother or sister, even if they weren’t to blame. This is why it is important to communicate clearly and frequently with the child that the death was not their fault. It’s also helpful to remind them that the feelings they have are normal and to encourage them to express them in whatever way is most appropriate for them.
Children will likely have many questions at the funeral or memorial service. Answer them as honestly as you can and try to stay calm. Then, if they choose to attend, make sure they have a back-up plan if they become upset or uncomfortable at any point. Children’s emotions can range from very sad to numb, and they will react differently depending on their age. Providing them with as much information as they need and allowing them to decide what they want to do can help them feel more prepared for the service. It can also help prevent them from resenting funerals or having a negative attitude toward death in general. If they decide to skip the service altogether, that’s okay, too. They are still a part of the family and deserve to be included in whatever they choose.