A child funeral is a special service that allows parents and family members to say goodbye to their baby or children who died. This service often includes a memorial ceremony or a visitation followed by a private burial. A child funeral can be a comforting way to help families process their loss and find a way to honour their loved one. Whether you decide to hold a child funeral or not, it’s important to talk with your children about it and understand what to expect. It is also important to know that if your child chooses not to attend the funeral, that is okay. Attending without preparation or information may cause a child to feel confused and scared and can lead to feelings of regret or resentment later.
Many adults who have attended a child funeral say it was a beautiful and empowering experience that helped them to begin to heal. For some children, however, the decision to go to a funeral is difficult. Usually, this is due to a lack of information. If your child does not want to attend, listen to them carefully and try to determine the root of their reluctance. Talk to them about the service and what to expect, but don’t pressure them into going. If they change their minds, that is fine too.
Explain what to expect at a funeral and make sure your child knows that it is normal to see people grieving and crying. They may be surprised to see a variety of emotions, including laughter. This will help them understand that their own feelings are normal too. It’s also a good idea to let them know what they will see at the funeral, especially if there will be an open casket or urn on a memorial table.
If they will be able to view their sibling’s body, help them understand that the body looks different when it is dead. It is often cool to the touch, and there might be marks or scars from birth defects. Explain that it is a good idea to touch their sibling’s hand or arm but they should be careful not to cause any harm to their body.
Explain that they will see people wearing all sorts of clothing at a funeral. Some people will be in formal clothes and others in casual attire. It’s important for children to understand that there are no right or wrong ways to dress for a funeral.
Encourage your children to bring a picture of their sibling with them to the service and to sign a memory book or other mementos during the ceremony. It’s helpful for them to have something physical to hold during the service and to be able to share their thoughts with other family members and friends.
Be aware that your children will likely spend a long time in a dark, quiet, and unfamiliar environment. Ensure that they have plenty of snacks and water and that you check in on them periodically. Plan for them to leave early if necessary, and give them an activity to do before or after the funeral such as playing a video of their sibling’s favorite songs or writing a letter or card to their sister or brother.