A child funeral can be a powerful way for families to express and honor the life of a loved one, especially a baby or young child who was stillborn or died in the womb. It can also be an opportunity to share your loss with a community of friends and family who may not have known your child. However, a child funeral is not right for every family and it is important to make a choice that is best for you and your children.
Many parents choose to use a celebrant to guide them through the ceremony planning process and help them arrange a meaningful service that is in keeping with their child’s wishes and needs. This person can also be a good source of support on the day of the funeral, particularly if you are feeling emotional or overwhelmed yourself.
Before the funeral you can take your child to the funeral home and other places that will be part of the ceremony to familiarize them with their surroundings and what they might expect. Explain everything in a very straightforward and honest manner and encourage their questions. If your child is going to be able to see their sibling’s casket at a visitation or the funeral itself then it will be important to reassure them that they are not being buried alive, and that their sibling cannot feel cold or pain. If the body is being cremated then you will want to explain what that means and that the ashes will be kept in an urn on a memorial table or perhaps in a beautiful garden space.
Depending on your child’s age and emotional maturity level you might want to consider asking them whether they would like to play a role in the ceremony itself, such as reading a poem or delivering a short speech. However, if your child is not comfortable with this then they do not have to participate in a public way. Instead, you can ask them if they would like to draw a picture, write a letter or leave something special in their sibling’s casket for others to remember them by.
If your child is old enough to understand, you can also consider having them sign a book of condolences, or allow them to create a permanent or temporary memorial such as a plaque, flower arrangement, candlelit display or digital photo frame. You could also consider a donation to a charity in your child’s name or a memorial fund for research into stillbirth and miscarriage.
You might also consider appointing a point person to accompany your child during the service. This can be a friend, family member or even another child from the funeral home who can keep an eye on your little one if they start to get restless or overloaded with emotion. They can also be on hand to bring them a snack, their favourite cuddle toy or quiet game. This can give you the peace of mind that your child is being well looked after, and allows you to fully attend to the service and other rituals that may be challenging for them to engage with.