A child funeral is a way to honor a deceased infant, toddler, or young child with a special ceremony. It’s a choice that many families make and, as with any decision about grieving, each family is unique. It is important to evaluate your child’s readiness to attend a service and, when appropriate, provide them with a choice.
Explain what will happen before, during and after the ceremony in terms that are age-appropriate. Allow your children’s natural curiosity to guide the conversation. Be honest but gentle, and give as much detail as they are interested in hearing.
You may decide to have your child’s casket or urn open during the service and invite family and guests to write messages for your child or place items in the coffin, such as a favorite photo, toy or flag. You may also decide to have the casket or urn closed and invite family and guests to write on a memorial board, light a unity candle or use luminaries. You might even choose to have a child-friendly room, staffed by a friend or volunteer, where kids can color, play and make cards.
Depending on the age of your child and their level of comfort, you might consider having them participate in some aspect of the ceremony – for example, reading a poem or prayer or choosing music for the service. Children who are able to understand the situation and have an interest in doing so often find this a meaningful experience.
You might also encourage your child to talk with other children who are attending the service. This can help them feel less alone and reassure them that others are feeling the same things they are.
It can be helpful to assign a point person to your child for the day who can help them leave the ceremony early if they become overwhelmed or uncomfortable. It might be a family member or a close friend who can take them for a walk, play with their favourite toy or bring a quiet activity to keep them busy.
If your child does not want to attend a service, it is okay to let them know that they are welcome to come to their own memorial celebration at home or another location of their choosing. It is best to offer alternative ceremonies, so that they can remember their loved one in a way that feels right to them and avoid any future resentment about not being allowed to attend a service. You might also like to ask other children and their families to join you at a service later in the week or year, to help them feel included in your child’s memory. You might even invite them to join you at the graveside for a service at a later date.